"We’re Taking It Slow” Couple Speedruns Through Every Red Flag in Psychology Textbook in Record 72 Hours

The Red Flag Checklist: A Masterclass in Emotional Whiplash

In what experts are calling a groundbreaking achievement in emotional chaos, local couple Jenna and Kyle have managed to speedrun every known red flag in relationship psychology within a record-breaking 72 hours—while confidently assuring friends they’re “taking it slow.”

The couple, who met on a dating app designed for people who claim to hate dating apps, reportedly began their whirlwind journey of dysfunction immediately after matching. “We’re really pacing ourselves,” Jenna explained, just hours after meeting Kyle’s parents, adopting a rescue dog together, and exchanging Spotify passwords—a modern equivalent of a blood pact.

Relationship experts were astounded by the efficiency of Jenna and Kyle’s emotional rollercoaster. Within the first day, they had already:

• Declared they’d “never felt this connection before” despite knowing each other’s middle names only because they exchanged driver’s licenses for fun.
• Shared detailed traumas over overpriced cocktails while mistaking vulnerability dumping for genuine intimacy.
• Referred to each other as “soulmates” without even agreeing on a pizza topping preference.

By hour 48, they had reached advanced levels of co-dependency, seamlessly blending their friend groups and arguing about the hypothetical names of their hypothetical children. Jenna even jokingly texted, “LOL, imagine if we moved in together,” to which Kyle responded, “Why not tho?”—the unofficial battle cry of all doomed relationships.

Experts Weigh In: Please Stop

Dr. Linda Boundaries, a psychologist specializing in attachment styles, commented on the phenomenon.

“It’s fascinating. They’re exhibiting every warning sign—love bombing, emotional enmeshment, ignoring obvious incompatibilities—all while genuinely believing they’re being cautious,” she said. “It’s like watching a car slowly drive off a cliff, but the passengers are complimenting each other’s seatbelt fashion the whole way down.”

Friends of the couple have tried intervening with subtle hints like, “Maybe you should slow down?”—only to be met with blank stares and Instagram captions reading, “When you know, you know.”

Final Thoughts: The Inevitable Crash

As of the latest update, Jenna and Kyle are reportedly planning a spontaneous trip abroad together because “it just feels right.” Experts predict the relationship will implode spectacularly, right around the time their vacation photos hit peak likes on social media.

But for now, they remain blissfully unaware, confidently coasting through the honeymoon phase at warp speed, all while insisting, “We’re just vibing, nothing serious.”