Study Finds 73% of ‘Hard Conversations’ Actually Just Both Partners Reading Pre-Written Notes from Their Phones

The Art of Reading While Pretending to Make Eye Contact

In a groundbreaking revelation that has couples everywhere nervously minimizing their Notes app, a new study from the Institute of Emotional Avoidance has found that 73% of so-called “hard conversations” are nothing more than two people reading carefully curated bullet points off their phones like emotionally repressed newscasters.

The study, titled “Emotional Vulnerability or Just Copy-Pasting Feelings?” observed over 500 couples attempting to discuss everything from household chores to why someone thought liking their ex’s Instagram post at 2 a.m. was a good idea. The results were clear: if it’s a “we need to talk” situation, chances are someone’s scrolling through a script titled “How to Express Disappointment Without Crying (Draft 4).”

Dr. Lexi Detached, the lead researcher, shared her thoughts:

“We found that instead of genuine, spontaneous dialogue, couples prefer meticulously drafted soliloquies. It’s less ‘from the heart’ and more ‘from the Notes app, last edited at 3:12 a.m. while overthinking.’”

One participant, “Jake,” bravely admitted:

“Look, I just function better with a script. Last time I spoke from the heart, I accidentally said ‘I respect your opinions, even when they’re wrong.’ Now I stick to bullet points like ‘validate feelings’ and ‘remember to blink.’”

Common Notes Titles Include:

• “Why I’m Right: A PowerPoint in Paragraph Form”
• “Things I Meant to Say During the Argument but Forgot Because I Was Too Busy Being Petty”
• “Apology, But Make It Sound Like Their Fault”

The Rise of ‘Emotional Google Docs’

The study also revealed a concerning trend: shared Google Docs for relationship conflicts. Couples are now collaborating on grievances like it’s a group project, complete with comments like:

• “[Insert genuine emotion here]”
• “Can we rephrase this so I don’t sound like the villain?”

Dr. Detached warns this isn’t exactly healthy:

“While organizing your thoughts is great, treating emotional intimacy like a business memo might explain why your partner feels like a colleague you barely tolerate.”

Final Thoughts: Maybe Just Speak… Like, Out Loud

Experts suggest trying an ancient, radical method for tough talks: saying words with your mouth in real-time, without rehearsal. Sure, you might fumble or cry unexpectedly, but hey—that’s called being human.