Market Analysis Shows Millennials Could Afford Houses If They Stopped Existing

The Cost of Existence

In a groundbreaking report that’s sure to inspire nothing but rage and existential dread, financial analysts have concluded that millennials could easily afford houses—if they simply stopped existing. The study, conducted by the Institute of Unhelpful Economic Advice, suggests that the primary barrier to homeownership isn’t skyrocketing real estate prices, stagnant wages, or crushing student debt. No, it’s the stubborn insistence of millennials on continuing to breathe, eat, and occupy space.

“After extensive research, we’ve determined that if millennials just stopped engaging in costly habits like ‘living’ and ‘surviving,’ homeownership would be well within reach,” said Dr. Chip Mortgage, lead economist and part-time Twitter troll. “Think about it—no rent, no utilities, no pesky grocery bills. The savings would be astronomical.”

The report breaks down the numbers with alarming clarity. Millennials spend an average of 100% of their income on frivolous expenses like shelter, food, healthcare, and the occasional mental health coping mechanism disguised as overpriced coffee. According to the study, eliminating these “non-essential luxuries” would free up enough cash to put a down payment on a modest two-bedroom home—provided it’s located somewhere affordable, like the surface of Mars.

One case study in the report highlights 32-year-old Jess Martinez, who could have saved $50,000 over the past decade if she hadn’t wasted money on things like insulin, rent, and therapy. “It’s eye-opening,” Jess said. “I never realized how much I was holding myself back by trying to stay alive.”

Expert Recommendations

The report offers several helpful suggestions for millennials looking to break into the housing market, including:

• Stop Eating: Imagine the savings when your grocery budget drops to zero.
• Cancel Your Health Insurance: It’s not like you’ll need it if you’re not around.
• Consider Cryogenic Freezing: Technically, you’ll still exist, but on pause—perfect for your budget.

Final Thoughts: Just Stop Being Poor (and Alive)

Despite the obvious flaws in this analysis, some financial “experts” remain committed to the idea that millennials are simply too entitled to sacrifice their basic human needs for financial gain. As Dr. Mortgage concluded, “The key to homeownership isn’t earning more—it’s existing less.”

So, if you’re struggling to buy a house, remember: the problem isn’t the economy. It’s you.